I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
