eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
