nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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