Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
