i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize