I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
