I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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