The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
