Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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