two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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