If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I could fuck to npr.
You've changed since you got that strap on
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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