final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize