the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
