I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
