The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
