Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
