Umm I'm too high to move.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
