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what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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