Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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