my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
