Plan B is the new Plan A
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
