Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
