Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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