Your face is a jimmy john
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
