i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
