just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
