I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
