Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
