I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize