I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
either way he was missing a nipple.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
