At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
