all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize