i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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