Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
