Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
