my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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