new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My balls are so social today.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize