Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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