ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
