So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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