I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
