i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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