he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
