my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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