get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
