ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
