After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Randomize
