she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
