The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Randomize
