True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
