I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
