So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
