So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
not ubering you a puppy
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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