Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
