Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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