she was so not down for the gang bang
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
