that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
