mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
