She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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