my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
