So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
