You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
