Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
