after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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