dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
