I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize