I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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